Do you know what a e-a- t-i-n-g d- i-s- o- r-d-e -r is ? Because I do. I’ve experienced the heartache, the pain, the shame you feel within yourself when you have been trapped in an endless spiral with this word. But all you know is the misconceptions, the misinterpretation of what the word meaning, by what you’ve heard by people around you. I’ve heard people call me a stick, twig, I’ve heard the voices behind my back saying I bet she is light as a snowflake in winter weather, although be careful around her she’s breaking apart like a withering feather.  

I’ve heard the whispers, she’s so skinny and fragile. Why does she always look like she’s rattled? What is an e-a- t-i-n-g d- i-s- o- r-d-e -r 

It used to be a constant battle inside my head. But people don’t know that, and they complain they want a new body, or to be skinny and thin.  

My body was baffled by my choices it was almost a sin. People wouldn’t want this body if they knew what trouble I was in. Did you know my period stopped for more than a year, and my dear it’s not because I was pregnant. No, this mess was a consequence, it was pure fear. Next time you say I wish I never had my period again, start thinking about how I felt, knowing I could never conceive a child is not fun. I lost the chance to have my first kiss because he could see the bones sticking out of my back, but he said our time was just outdone.  What is an eating disorder? See I finally put the letters into words, but when someone hears that word it’s meaning comes into action. That’s when hiding food, and avoiding meals, used to be my inevitable reaction. When someone gives you a piece of food you happily eat it. When someone gave me a piece of food my head said no, my hands started to get sweaty and they said that  fork has got to go. Then that cycle just kept repeating itself. Then I would hear my moms voice saying keep eating Cierra, you got this, it’s for your health. But you wouldn’t know that the food is the fear, not because of what it is, because my mind tells me that it is was causes the pain. My mind tells me you don’t need breakfast, lunch or dinner, are you insane? You need to stop bothering your mother about what food you have to eat today, just stop being a pain. What is an eating disorder? You don’t know because you’ve been told to look away when the girl you know  is in that bathroom is throwing up what she ate today. The origin of the word disorder starts when something or someone is dis-out of order. That someone or someone is never in their right state of mind or physical state. When you know the words meaning, you must take into account the lives lost, the people who fought, and the individuals who taught.  What is an eating disorder? I can tell you, but can you really tell me?