Well, here we are, folks. End of the school year. I wasn’t expecting my senior year to play out like it has, that’s for sure. I’m sitting in the living room of my house in my pajamas staring at my computer screen and listening to my step-dad try desperately to make my seven-year-old brother do his work. I feel fine right now. Fine in the sort of helplessly apathetic way that I was only able to drag myself out of about a year ago. … That sounds melodramatic. 

Ok… I keep pulling this back up and trying to write more but I just end up deleting everything because I don’t really know what to say. I’m sure all of these articles are going to sound more or less the same. “This has affected me poorly. I do not enjoy this. This makes schoolwork feel like something I don’t have to do. I feel hopeless and depressed and I don’t know how to cope with it because I have never experienced this exact set of circumstances before and I can’t adapt.”

Rock The House on repeat. Playing Minecraft. Occasionally watching the entirety of some Netflix show in a day and then not watching anything for days. The more spiritually upsetting the better. This is how I personally regulate my mood. My medication doesn’t make me happy, after all, it just makes me a person. The apathy can only be adjusted manually; through Madoka Magica and video games. It’s pretty funny to me that all it takes to ruin all of my personal emotional progress is to physically separate me from people. This feels melodramatic again. I think that’s what we’re gonna have to be ok with, though, because I literally have been trying and failing to avoid that for the entire time I’ve been working on this. Sophomore year all over again. I feel just as uncomfortable about myself as I did while I was hesitantly questioning my gender for the first conscious time. That’s sort of an achievement, I think. Oh, that’s also a fun segue to another thing that’s bothering me.

As long as I’m treating this word document like my poor therapist… Being isolated from people who consistently use male pronouns for me isn’t the most fun experience I’ve had. That’s really not the fault of my family, the ones who know are trying their best. And it’s not like I have the courage to actually correct anyone. I almost threw up the other day when I thought about coming out over Facebook. The least personal of ways to do that. 

Dracula by the Gorillaz. I’ve gotten through most of the self-titled album trying to write these last few paragraphs. I think I’ve pretty effectively explained how this affects me personally, so now I think I move on to the next point? Which would be how this is affecting school for me. I think you could really just look at the previous paragraphs and guess that on your own, but I’ll tell you… it ain’t positive. My grades are still alright, really, more or less the same as what they would’ve been, but I do have an F in Jazz Band. How, you ask? I simply cannot play without other people. I guess. And I cannot bring myself to even want to. That’s about it, honestly. Nothing feels necessary anymore.

I’ve moved on to another album now. Kind of. We are onto the G sides now. Almost done with them. So, how will this affect me moving forward? I don’t know, since we’re still in it. I’d like to think that it won’t, because right now I feel like absolute garbage and I don’t want that feeling to define my future. Even if it were to be a positive change, I don’t want to have to attribute any of my successes to a moment when I felt awful. I don’t care if I get stronger from this. I just want to live happily. I want to be the person I know I can be. I want to be happy for an extended period of time. Not “content”… happy. I want to come out of this and just have the summer I was expecting. I want to see my girlfriend and be able to hug her. I want to live.

… Anyways. If I do a “The Beauty Of” Madoka Magica soon, just let it happen.